Setting Effective Limits

1. Start with a strong, supportive connection with your child so he knows you're on his side and wants to please you.

2. Don't start talking until you're connected. Look your child in the eye. Touch him to get his attention.

3. Join with her before you set the limit. (“This looks like so much fun.”)
4. Express genuine empathy while setting the limit. See it from his point of view. ("It's hard to stop playing and come inside. But now it’s time for your bath.”)

5. Help your child feel less "pushed around" by offering a choice. ("Do you want to come in now, or in five minutes?")

6. Get agreement so your child "owns" the limit. ("Ok, five minutes, but no fuss in five minutes, right? Let's shake on it.")

7. Follow through, pleasantly. It's much easier to stay pleasant when you follow through before you lose your temper. It's also easier to get compliance from your child if she knows you won't keep moving the deadline if she fusses. Most of the time, you'll need to move in physically close so she's forced to take your limit seriously. This is much more effective than raising your voice. ("It's been five minutes. Time to come in now.")

8. Keep joining and empathizing. ("It's hard to stop playing and come inside. But now it’s time for your bath.”)

9. Limit the negotiations. ("I know it's hard to stop playing, but we agreed five minutes and no fuss. It's been five minutes. Let's go.")

10. Don't expect him to like it. Your kid has to follow your limits. That doesn't mean he has to like them. No kid will always comply cheerfully, and that's ok. You can empathize with his unhappiness without changing your limit. ("I hear you hate coming inside when some of the other kids get to stay out later. That must be hard. But you need a bath tonight and I want to be sure we get time for a story before bed."

11. When you can't grant a wish in reality, grant it in fantasy. ("I know you wish you could play all night. I bet when you grow up you'll stay up and play all night every single night, won't you?")

12. Resist the temptation to be punitive in any way. Setting the limit teaches the lesson, as kids will eventually internalize our rules and routines as their own. When we punish them, we make it more likely that they'll rebel against our rules and routines.

13. Only set the limits you really need to set, so that his life is more about connection and discovery than about limits and frustration. Saying No too often convinces him you aren't on his side, and undermines your relationship.May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.

Dr. Laura Markham AhaParenting.com